Not Growing Up Transgender

Previously, I did a blog entry about growing up feeling like something is wrong and that I should be a female instead of the male body I was born to. I described some of the aspects of what it was like growing up a transgender. This will give details of how I didn't grow up because something is wrong.

I am 32 years old and still feel like I am stuck somewhere between 11 and 14. A lot of my actions and decision making are that of a pre-teen or teenage girl. This is also the same for clothing choices and style. A lot of the things that I have as interests and things that make me happy are things geared at pre-teen and teen girls.

I must mention that I can't say it is fully by choice that I am this way. Things repeat themselves no matter how much I avoid them. I have been back and forth with trying to "grow up" and trying to enjoy what does make me happy. Embarrassment set in several times and I would throw things away, stop watching things I like, stop listening to music, etc. only for it to keep putting itself back on my path.

I wasn't able to express myself in the same way a young girl should. I didn't get to go to girl scouts, dance classes, do gymnastics, twirling, cheer-leading or even learn how to do make-up, nails and hair. I didn't care about being prom queen or head cheer-leader. I just wanted to be able to participate. With everything put together that I couldn't do, my mind is stuck and I still strive to be able to do them. My mind still tries to be the little girl I wasn't able to be.

I have a huge dilemma when shopping for clothing. I do not like the style of adults. I like clothing that expresses my interests such as my favorite characters, colorful designs, frilly clothes and clothes that say I am still innocent. I do fit comfortably in clothes made for kids as young as age 8. I found out the hard way, which kinds work in what sizes, such as underwear in size 8, pants in size 10 and shirts in size 14/16. When I wear size 14/16 shirts, which is most of my shirts, it still feels wrong as if I am trying to be like my older sister. A lot of my adult clothes are that of a slutty nature like a teenage girl trying to appear older and attract boys so I can calm my new raging hormones.

When it comes to work and career, I don't want to even think of it. Yes, I have already worked a lot as an adult and even dropped out of college (twice). I feel more like the twelve or thirteen year old girl who does babysit and does her chores while being more focused on being a kid, having fun with friends, doing slumber parties and gossiping. At the same time, I feel like that girl who has already had a kid at a young age, still living at home, not able to focus on school as much I should and sheltered from friends because I have a kid and don't get to go out.

I would love to talk about the music, shows and movies I like. I could go on for hours. I don't feel it is that important for me to go into details. I, honestly, don't even know what else to talk about without being boring. I could give examples of how some things repeat in cycles, very distinct cycles, in my mind and even become physical. I have tried to control it but that as it turns out, I am not supposed to. I am supposed to embrace it.

I do have to say that if I was allowed to be a girl while I was growing up, I wouldn't have a lot of the problems I do now. I may not have turned out to be rich, but I would at least have had a chance for a career in something I love and I wouldn't be stuck in the mindset of a child. I don't mind being stuck at all except the fact that the bills don't get paid and things don't get done because I am 32 and am expected to do this stuff already. I need a stable life but am too young to get it that way. Maybe I will grow up after I am fully a female after the operation.