Growing Up Transgender

I figured it would be a good idea to touch base with me being a trans-woman. I want other people to understand it a little more even if they aren't going for or questioning a gender transition. I believe it is important to understand things before placing a judgement and this is one of the topics that are judged before it is understood.

First, I must mention that I had a feeling something wasn't right when I was only seven years old. At this point, I already had a lot going on with my life. I was already involved in choosing to do things of a sexual nature that most children don't know about. I was, of course, taught these things by an adult within the family. I had viewed porn, developed fetishes, already been ejaculating and done things with friends.

Now, let's not get confused about a very important detail. I did not mention that I was sexually abused or sexually active to give a reason for my gender change. That all had nothing to do with it, except to point out that even at the age of 7, I knew about genders, sex and relationships. I will talk about my sexual interests and my abuse more at a later time. Please remember that gender and sex are two different things. The difference is who I am and I who I like.

Some people may think that I felt something was wrong because I was molested by a male and therefore I feel that I should be a female. This is wrong and if that was the fact, I, just as equally, could have just chosen to be gay. When I was young, I was fond of the female body, not just for the arousal. There was something about it that felt right. I grew found of the clothing and began wearing my sister's eventually leading me to other things like makeup, the interest in dance, gymnastics, cheer-leading and other activities that are considered for girls only. I always played with girls toys and didn't really like trucks and cars, army men, etc. I got along better with my sister than I did my brother. I had girls for friends inside and outside of school. I played jump rope, hopscotch, house and other things the boys wouldn't do. I had a few friends that were boys growing up but never more than one or two at a time.

Growing up, I got picked on for playing with the girls and not the boys. I didn't have an interest in sports, cars, weight lifting, etc. I wanted it to end. I had to make up my mind and either tell my parents or pretend to be a boy. My parents were the type to believe it isn't right and I feared being put up for adoption. I guessed it would be better to fit in with with the boys so I kept my secret and tried sports and doing all the guy stuff. My heart still wasn't into it so I never got good. I still had a hard time fitting in.

During all of the trying to act like a boy, I was still dressing in girls clothes, playing with girls toys and retaining strong bonds with girls. I still wished I could open up to my family and be allowed to be a girl. It caused me so much frustration. By age eleven, I had already been smoking, drinking, smoking pot, having sex with multiples of people (both gender and age wasn't a barrier) sometimes pushing too far by forcing myself on people, stealing, fighting with my mom all the time, destroying things, lighting fires and didn't care about school. This all started by the time I was eight years old.

I had tried to stab my grandfather with a butcher knife to make it all go away since he was the one who molested and raped me and was also doing it to other people. He promised he would stop doing it to my sister and I caught him so this is my opportunity to go forth on my plan to stab him. I had first tried to kill myself when I was nine years old and several times more by the time I was eleven. When I was twelve, I was put on probation and later locked up at thirteen. Now, I was stuck with all boys. I had

gotten into drugs like cocaine, snorting pills, LSD and more. I will talk more about the drugs and getting locked up at another time. After I was released from lock up, I was still going to school there. I was able to wear bras and panties to school even though I feared getting caught since it was an all boys school.

Nothing I did hid my true feelings nor did it take it away. I was wearing girls clothes more and more when I was in public, just not noticeable. I got myself into more trouble and was sent to live with my ex-step dad. Everything was different since I lived in the country and didn't have access to girls clothing. After a while, things started to get a little better in several directions of my life and was able to put aside my desire to be a female. Certain circumstances brought it back from time to time. I would steal panties and bras and other clothes I could from friends houses', stores, places I babysat, etc. This was different though because I would wear them for awhile and start to feel guilt, later getting rid of what I had. It just kept repeating itself.

Eventually, I had gotten myself into more trouble and had a few years away from normal life. I had the interest still there but not the capacity. I had gotten into more trouble several times throughout the next few years. When I was twenty-three, I was released from prison and was placed into a temporary living placement near a consignment shop where donations were dropped off behind the building. I rummaged for things and found a huge amount of woman's clothes. I started hiding in my room more after work so no one would find out. I ended up getting my own apartment and continued doing what I wanted. I even shared my interest of cross-dressing with other people. I explored more with the idea of being with just guys. This was partly due to the fact that I had on several occasions had a problem with having sex. It didn't feel right being the one with the penis. As I found out, I am not really interested in penis' being used on me either.

I had began working for a donation center and had access to everything imaginable. I got free clothes of all kinds, hygiene, makeup, shoes, jewelry, household items that are considered girly, etc. I eventually had to hide my interest again and live in shame and guilt. All of this back and forth was driving me crazy. I couldn't live with having to throw everything away all the time just to start over again. I had a hard break up with someone I have a child with. I slipped back into my ways for awhile again, later having to put it aside.

At age twenty-nine, I was taking care of my sick father, his house, my daughter and trying to maintain my life. I had started an online business and decided to branch off into more than just one kind of product. Instead of just selling trading cards and toys, I started selling girls clothes, panties and lingerie. You may have guessed, why this was a top pick for me. Well, after he passed, I got my own place with the money he had left us. I expanded my inventory greatly and expanded my wardrobe eventually pushing all of my guys clothes out of both dressers and the closet. I had dressed in woman's clothes every chance I got without anyone noticing. Eventually, I almost got caught so many times that I decided it was time to put some serious thought into this.

I did more research about it from a psychological point, medical point, other people's experiences, etc. I talked with someone who went through with it. I practiced going out to the backyard and to the store with girls clothes on, at first hidden than revealed. I talked to some people from outside of my area and eventually opened up to my family and what friends I had left and started changing everything on the internet to reflect my now known identity. I grant that Jenn isn't my legal name yet since I am still pre-op but I prefer people to use it and get used to it.

This may not have detailed every thing that someone would look for in trying to understand why a person comes to getting a gender change operation. I didn't intend it to give every detail. I hope that you got to see a little bit about it from how it can affect someone negatively. I did mention the guilt, shame, hiding and the constant return of the thoughts and actions. The effects of living in secret, not being able to be myself and having to fit in have caused a downward spiral. I haven't forced myself on anyone for a long time and I don't even have the interest in sex most times. I no longer commit crimes nor do I do drugs. In general, a lot of things have gotten better for me once I was able to start being honest with everyone. Yes, I still have things to work on and some things are best left unsaid.

If I was able to open up at a young age, I believe that my life would have had a better start. I do realize that some things would not have happened and some things that I do cherish wouldn't exist. As you can see, some people go through hell because they aren't able to open up and it just causes disaster. It didn't just cause me problem. My family was affected negatively throughout the years as was some of my friends. I did some negative things due to my being molested, being confused, young, lost, stressed out and hurting hoping it would make the pain go away. I do not excuse these things. I do believe that if I was able to express myself as a girl growing up, I wouldn't have done these things. Even to the day, the things I have done in the past are affecting me psychologically, medically, in friendships, in trying to get a job and even how I raise my daughter.

All the hatred that is shown to gay, bi-sexual, trans-gender, etc needs to stop. Something I had trouble with growing up is being told to be myself and yet having to hide parts of who I am. Think about it; my parents would tell me in one conversation to be myself and yet in another conversation would say that having a gender operation is wrong. Honestly, I wish I had the courage to open up as a child regardless of the consequences because, as I have learned, it is better to be lose other people than it is to lose yourself. All my life, I lived to make other people happy. Now that I decide to do something for myself it is too hard because of the problems that were caused. Yes, I do blame my parents in a large part for not being open when it comes to my problems. Nobody at the age of seven should have to choose being honest or be able to see their family. I also blame society itself for not being more open in a so-called free nation.