Still Fucking Lost

I really want to get somewhere in life. I am tired of spinning my wheels yet unable to move. I understand that nothing big will happen over night. However, it seems like nothing is happening at all even though there are small things being done.

Looking for a job isn't going so well. I know that any job I may get, will only be until I can get something better. Ultimately, I want to get myself back to running a business. I don't want to speak too much on what I want to do. The reason is that I have a lot of ideas and not really sure which one I should follow up on.

I should definitely go back to school eventually. The thing that sucks about that is, going to school doesn't pay the bills.

I need to figure something out soon. The worst part of it all is not knowing where to look for answers.

Going over the deep end

So, I said I wanted to keep up with this blog and I did intend to. However, there are so many topics I wanted to discuss that I became overwhelmed trying to figure out which to do next. I also got really depressed trying to type some of them up.

I have been resisting the urge to either blow up, run away or just kill myself and get it over with. If I blow up, I would have to escape anyway. I don't want to burn bridges and I do care about the very people I need to snap on. What sucks about it the most is that I was always told to speak my mind and yet I would be in the wrong if I do. However, if I don't say anything, it doesn't solve the problem and it is making me worse from holding it in. Add this build up to everything else that is going wrong with my life and it just gets worse for me, leading to more suicidal thoughts.

I am not perfect but I do see things that need to be pointed out to other people. I do have my flaws and when they are presented to me I listen. I do explain the things I cannot change and yet these words mean nothing. Closed minded people cannot be talked about my problems or their own. It is their way or no way.

One thing that did push me to finally try to get things out is an incident with my mom. My daughter is four years old and makes mistakes, yet my mom expects her to follow all rules to a "T". On the other side of the coin, my eighteen year old brother is not forced to be responsible and doesn't even know simple things like cleaning up after himself. This is something my daughter does. Yet, I cannot say anything or compare the two because my mom is perfect. She believe she knows how to raise proper kids. She pushed us older kids to the point that we become rebels than she flips it and doesn't be strict with the younger ones to the point they would be seen as useless to the outside world.

My sister is lazy and admits it. Her, along with one of my other sisters, abuse the welfare system. This very same system I need help from and can't get help from. Yet, I worked myself to the point that my body can't handle it anymore. I am 32 and declared disabled by 3 doctors. Yet, I get jack shit to help me. I am homeless with a child and cannot get housing yet my sister has it and violates the rules all the time without trying to do something better for herself.

I don't know what to do. All I think about is fuck life. I am closer to popping these pills and ending it all. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. At this point in my life, I only have one person to think of and I am going to lose her without a way to get her back, my daughter. So, really, I have no reason to live as it is.

The Bible and Gays and Transgenders (LGBT)

This may cause uproar for a lot of people. Why? They will realize they don’t know as much as they think and the ones that taught them are as equally misinformed. Everyone says read the Bible and you will find the answers. I am also told the Old Testament is obsolete as far as our guide to life. So here it is, me doing exactly what you said and ignoring the Old Testament. I was misguided at one point and thought it was wrong. 

     First thing is first. Jesus would never abandon or persecute us. He went to the sinner, not push them away. This is something that anyone who reads the Bible should know. If you don’t know that, you need to read the Bible again. I will not quote any scriptures about this, you should already know this.

In the ancient world, including ancient Jewish culture (as reflected in the Talmud), “natural” or “born” eunuchs were not associated with missing testicles. Rather, they were associated with stereotypical effeminate characteristics and behavior (just like modern gay men), and were thought by Rabbi Eliezer to be subject to “cure” (just like modern gays). Moreover, as we have also seen, eunuchs were commonly associated with homosexual desire. (For a complete discussion of the term "born eunuch" and the connection with homosexuality, see The Early Church Welcomed a Gay Man.) As a reasonably informed person of his time, Jesus would have been aware of this common view of eunuchs. Yet he very matter-of-factly asserts that some people are simply born that way. The implication of his statement is profound — God created gay people the way they are! Jesus says so. 
(http://www.wouldjesusdiscriminate.org/biblical_evidence/born_gay.html)
Jesus never said anything against being gay, transgender, etc. Instead, it has been found in the Bible that Jesus was around it and approved it. 

Matthew 8:5-13 and Luke 7:1-10 tell us about how a male servant to a male master was sick. He didn't feel worthy of Jesus’ presence. Jesus healed him knowing the servant and master had relations.                                  

Matthew 19:12 says, “For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.” (Eunuch is a man who has been castrated.)

“When David had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was bound to the soul of David, and Jonathan lo his father’s house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as hived him as his own soul. Saul took him that day and would not let him return to s own soul. Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that he was wearing, and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.”  (1 Samuel 18:1-4)

You don’t have to argue anymore. You can all stop it. Your opinion is wrong and how you were raised is due to misunderstanding. You can let God judge if Jesus was wrong or right but I will follow this because it is in the Bible and Bible is Truth.

Postal Code Serparations

Originally Posted on Facebook; Jan 24th, 2014

You Know if this country was run better an example address would look like this

Jane Doe
123 That Street 
18507

Why do I say that? Postal workers and other delivery personnel are the only ones who need to have zones like cities and states.. that is all they should be Zones, we don't need to be reminded that this is a divided country. Too many people have no fucking balls to fix so stop reminding the rest of us and end the separation.

We are 1 Country only if stand together as a country. We have been standing together as cities, counties and states. We have all learned that we do not need this many politicians fucking everything up. If we had 1 Government that was honestly voted in and works to create jobs, lower risk of buying products that have unsafe effects, etc. this country would be less confused and be able understand truth. I'm not saying get rid of cops and fire departments. These branches of employment are very needed. I digress.

We are not prisoners and I do not live in a cell block. Stop the Separation! I am not merchandise on a shelf. Stop the Separation! I am a human being created by God, just like the rest of you. Stop the Separation! I do not want to feel that I am confined to some borderlines and have to learn new laws every hundred miles. Stop the Separation! Stop all this white, black, straight, gay, muslim, catholic, democrat, republican, tall, short, pretty, ugly, fat, skinny, male, female, short dick or otherwise. Just stop it all! Stop. Stop. Stop. Don't even mention it. Don't even think it. No more! Stop the Separation!

Stop the Segregation to Stop the Separation!

My Life is a Fail

I have lots of issues that prevent me from working:

• Medical problems
• Mental problems
• Criminal record
• Can't drive and lack of transportation
• Daughter in daycare is a bad idea (long story) and no one to babysit
• Long gaps in work history
• Terrible work history

Even if I wanted a job and qualified, I still get denied for the above reasons. Even temporary employment agencies deny me.

School is not an option; been there, done that, didn't finish, owe debts and can't get loans to go back. I wouldn't even know what to go for if I did.

Obtaining help has been a problem:

• I always get reported to Children and Youth Services.
• I get denied for criminal record.
• I get denied for lack of income.
• I get denied for lack of severity, even though I tried as I am homeless with a child.
• I am always told there isn't help available even though people with less severe cases get approved.
• I get denied for being a male as well as transgender.

I don't have a normal income

• I already mention jobs.
• I do not get child support.
• I do not get Social Security.
• I have never qualified for unemployment.

Other notes:

• I have bad luck selling things locally.
• I had an internet business for 2 1/2 years and failed.
• I tried making music.
• Catalog and party options don't work since I don't know enough people.
• I don't have start up funds for any selling options, even if I was good at it.
• I don't have any other talents worth trying to make money from.
• I never find any of the survey sites or ad posting sites that actually pay and if I do, would have to pay them to start up.
• Cash paid seasonal jobs like shoveling, raking, etc are not an option.
• I tried funding sites too and that never worked.

Consequences to not solving this:

• I have to have money to support my daughter. This has also been an obstacle in obtaining custody of my other children. I could lose custody of my daughter.
• I need money to get my own place and obtain the privacy and freedom I need. Without privacy and freedom, I suffer mentally every day.
• If I don't get a place to live or money soon, I will lose my stuff in storage.
• Since I don't have a place of my own, I can't work on the ideas for things that are cluttering my mind. Some of which could provide ways for me to make money. I also can't work on them until I have peace of mind that I am not going to end up homeless. Working on these ideas is a full time thing.
• I will never get my surgery if I can't get money.

The only true solutions I have come up with are:

1. Crime
2. Social Security
3. Finding a mate who has money

The problem is that neither of these work.

I keep getting told to keep trying and something will happen. I can't keep trying. I have no options left. If I keep trying the same things over and over, I still won't get anywhere. There is absolutely no point in trying. I don't know where to go or who to turn to. Even if I didn't have custody, I would still face the problem of not being able to take care of myself.

I am suicidal because I can't live, not because I refuse to.

Sex or Gender and other Confusions

I have an issue with several words. I understand they are in the dictionary, people use them and it would be hard to break the habit. This will outline some of these things that make no sense to me. I believe that if we correct these, the English language can be simplified. First, I will start with some that I learned in High School while taking American Literature and no one can argue these points as I am right on these. Before anyone can say it, yes, I do catch myself making these mistakes as well. I am not saying I am perfect by writing this.

Note: Images used in this blog are not of my creation, nor do I claim copyright. I am not advertising for any product or company as I try to prove this point.

Billiards vs Pool
Yes, we call it pool. Originally, it was called pocket billiards, in the late 1500's and wasn't called pool until the mid 1800's. Why did someone have the need to confuse this game with another object? For some reason someone made a separation of 2 sets of games played on a billiards table. These became billiard games and pool games. The point is they are both on the same table, with the same balls and were all originally called billiard games. If you tell me that you are going to shoot pool, I am going to assume, you are a murderer. Those poor kids in the pool might get hurt if you shoot it.

Ping Pong vs Table Tennis
This one won't take much typing. I have a screenshot for you.

Kleenex vs Facial Tissue
Another one that I have screenshots for. These should be obvious enough that Kleenex is the brand and facial tissue is the object. If you say "Please, hand me a Kleenex.", you are asking for a company named Kleenex, so no, I won't hand you anything.

Q-Tip vs Cotton Swab
Another one that should serve as obvious just with screenshots.

These ones are not from my American Literature class. These are ones that were thought of throughout time. The above cannot be argued. However, some of you may still doubt me for whatever reason. I have been in many arguments about the above and the below. It was proven that I am right. It took research instead of just going with the flow and not questioning things.


Capri Styled Pants
I can walk into the store, ask where the Capris are and be pointed to the pants department. Yes, people know what I mean when I say Capris. However, let me show you how saying "Capris" instead of Capri Styled Pants is wrong and just the American laziness in all of us.

There is no official definition for the word "Capris" except to say "capri pants". Although, the word Capri has nothing to do with pants.

Capris

noun,

1.

Capri pants.

Here you see by looking up "Capri Pants" it describes pants with a certain style. 

Capri Pants

noun

1.

women's casual trousers with a tapered leg that end above the ankle and a vertical slit at the outside bottom edge.

Word Origin and History for Capri pants

1956 (said to have been designed c.1948), from Capri, Italian island; so called perhaps because they were first popular in Capri

So the only conclusion is the capri is a style of pants. There is no object called "capri". They are pants. The absolute most proper way to word it is Capri Styled Pants. This can also be said for other things such as the Zoot Styled Suit. There is no object called "zoot", zoot is the style of the suit.

Sex and Gender
Okay, I will get the topic of sex and gender; you waited long enough. You can look in a dictionary and find that sex is defined the same way gender is. I have a problem with this.

• Sex is a shortened version and slang word for sexual intercourse. This is something we don't want our kids saying, hearing, knowing about or doing.
• Gender is the separation of sets, most commonly used for male and female. To kill the confusion, we don't say "this is a gender of red blocks". Instead we just say it is a set of red blocks. 

I am of the female gender. That has nothing to do with who I have sex with.


Race, Nationality and Pigment of Skin

Nationality describes what nation you belong to. This can be looked at in two ways: where you are born and where your ancestors were born.

• My ancestors were born in several countries. I will use my father's side of the ancestry. We call ourselves German because our ancestors that moved to the USA were born in Germany. We found out that we were wrong to say German because farther back the family line our ancestors were from Israel. This would mean that we are actually Israeli by nationality. 
• I was born in the USA, yet I don't consider this my nationality as many other people would. I say that I have USA citizenship.

Heritage is something that is you inherit such as a throne. It is my heritage to rule a kingdom. So, let's not confuse that word in the mix as some would do by saying "my heritage is German".

The word race should be left to the event where people run, drive cars, ride horses, etc. To say "my race is German" is confusing everything since this is nationality. If we going to say that we belong to a race, we should say Human Race instead. Even saying Human Race is improper, because human is a species of animal, not a race.

Pigment of skin is also a wrong way to define people. Anyone who understands colors will know that what we call white skin, really isn't white. Some have not started calling it beige skin. Even this is wrong. When we look at something and say white, it is actually the opposite of white. I will not go into the whole study of how it works. I will just say that we need to stop defining people by the pigment of their skin and saying white man or black man.

References:
http://dictionary.reference.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki
http://www.pingpong.com/
https://www.kleenex.com
http://www.qtips.com/

7 Deadly Sins in my Life

1. Lust is an intense desire for money, food, fame, power, or sex.

• Up until recently, I have really had a desire to be the head of whatever I was doing. I always wanted to be in some top level position and be able to call shots with things. I have never really been that good at though because I still had others to answer to.
• I have always wanted to do something that would make remembered even after I die. I have focused so much energy into trying to be famous and even started to succeed. Things went wrong and I failed.
• Money is not just a need for me. I have always had a very exquisite taste in lifestyles, clothing, furniture, houses, etc. I have always had an inner desire to live rich and have so many nice things. I would take a nice house over a nice car but do desire many of both.
• Sex is a very deep lust of mine and if I can't be rich, this is the one thing I always hope to have. I constantly find myself back to porn all the time, even when I had mates. Honestly, if I could have sex all the time, I would.

2. Gluttony is over-consumption (indulgence) of things until it becomes waste.

I try to be the one that doesn't waste and yet I always find myself back to doing it. I am not just talking throwing good things away or not reusing things. I do over eat and it is mostly snacks. If I had the money to buy good food all the time, you bet your ass I would. I am the all you can eat buffet type. I am more of a over consumer than just a throw it away type.

3. Greed is a very excessive desire and pursuit of money and material possessions.
Though I would give the shirt off of my back to someone I know in need, I would miss that shirt and want it back. Greed is what led me to doing a lot of the crimes I have done in my past.









4. Sloth is being lazy, not just physically like most think but also spiritually.
Spiritually, I have grown to extremely lazy. I am lost and don't really know what is right for me in this department so I just avoid it. Physically, I have grown lazy over the years. Even if I could fix my problems, I enjoy being lazy now that I know what it is like to not be running around like a chicken with my head cut off, just to lose everything anyway.


5. Wrath is rage and anger that makes a person do violent things of all kinds.
I have always had a temper and been full of rage. I don't really want to get into the details but I have gotten into loads of trouble with my anger. I even lost jobs because of my anger. To be honest, I am pissed off at the world and myself for the fact that I am a nobody and nothing to show for my life. This boils the rage more and more and will always keep me hot tempered.




6. Envy is jealousy and the desire to have what someone else has or be them.
I am so envious of so many people that it is crazy. It isn't just because I have nothing now. Even when I had things going somewhat okay for me, I still had this burning desire to in other people's shoes and have what they have.







7. Pride is the feeling of being better than others and over admiring oneself.
In many ways, I do feel myself to be better than others. I have also found myself in many occasions playing the "one upper". I am very conceited about many things and am not afraid to over emphasize when I am right about something.







I am guilt of all 7 seven deadly sins. Quite frankly, I enjoy them. I do not like the cosmic consequences that I seem to be stuck with. I have found that everyone is guilt of these sins on some level no matter what we do. No one can fight them. How do you fight the desires we are born with? In modern society, we are surrounded by more and more ways to be guilty of these sins and everyone enjoys them.

Princess Techna, Digit, Caramel, Chicko and Litha from Winx Club and Pop Pixie

I love technology. She uses logic and is very caring. She is the one without feelings.

Secret Bear from Care Bears

SECRET BEAR 

Originally Secret Bear was a male and was orange. Later Secret became a female bear and is now pink.

This is the bear you always count on and trust and was always the quiet one.

Rarity Pony from My Little Pony

      RARITY 

            PONY

Rarity is a fashion designer and singer. She is very practical and doesn't over use her powers. She is the kind of pony that always thinks of others and would give anything to some pony in need.