Found Myself, Lost a Friend

I had a friend for five years that I was really close to. He was like a brother to me. He wasn't much older and most people thought we were born brother, even twins. I confided in him about things I didn't even imagine talking to my family about. We were there for each no matter what.


When I decided it was time to stop hiding, I talked to him face to face. I told him about how I felt, why and what was going on including the future. I expected it to be a shock and possibly take some time to sink in. I figured he would eventually get comfortable with it. I was wrong.

He actually stopped coming around and avoided conversation. He had excuses. I tried to compromise with different things and there was no effort on his end. He couldn't possibly get comfortable with it if he wasn't around it. What makes it even worse is that he was supposed to be the godfather of my daughter. He used to check in on her as much as he can. Event that stopped even though I gave him a chance to spend time with her alone so he didn't have to deal with me.


Eight months had gone by and not one visit from him. Not even to pick up his stuff which I told him about. I had lost my apartment and my daughter was staying at my sister's house. Out of the blue, he is talking on facebook about spending time with her on Halloween. I snapped and took him off of my friends list. It wasn't right that would try to go behind my back especially since it was either months since she seen him.


The whole situation is a mess. I wish it never happened the way it did. He used to be someone who accepted people for who they are and who they are becoming. He never would take it out on his goddaughter. He changed for the worse as I am trying to change for the better.

Honestly, I do miss hanging out with him. I wish I knew a way to repair things. At one point, he was going to move out of state and I wouldn't be able to see him anymore. That would have been on good terms and not hurt so much.

A year later and it still hurts.

To Sex or Not to Sex?

That is an interesting question indeed.

First and foremost, I have to remind (or inform) everyone that a person's gender does not automatically assign them to liking a specific gender in a sexual way. A male does not have to lust after women and a female does not have to lust after men. For many people, their sexual preference is not discovered until they have already been with the gender they aren't really attracted to. Some go through major problems and decide to switch looking for hope to be happy. A transgender also is not assigned to like a specific gender. Just because someone born in a male body realizes they should be in a female body does not mean they will go out dick hunting after (or even before) the operation.


Stop the stereotypes. Stop the classifying. Stop the hate. Stop the segregation. Stop the separation.

As I have mentioned previously, my first experiences, sexually, were with a male (unwillingly at first). I was with a male once in awhile throughout my life. Though, it was with women that I felt most comfortable. What I do know now is that, I am not attracted to males but I do enjoy dildos; classic and realistic. I would take a woman with a strap on any day. I have thought about what will happen after my operation. I am not sure if I would be interested in males at that time. I am only going to guess that I won't.

I don't want to get into all of my fetishes, fantasies and experiences. However, I will mention the following facts:

• I am tired of doing this solo.
• I am tired of not being to reach down and play with my own pussy
• My nipples are more sensitive than they used to be and that doesn't help. 
• Having my own boobs doesn't help.
• I don't know where to find someone I will be comfortable with.
• I would love to have another kid before I go for the operation.

There was other things I was going to add to the list but I just feel it best to hold back a little bit. I am still not sure I want to get involved with anyone before my operation. I wouldn't even know the terms or even where to look. I do know that finding a woman who is into transgenders is rare. I guess the only thing I can do until I figure it out is play with this wretched thing between my legs.

Not Growing Up Transgender

Previously, I did a blog entry about growing up feeling like something is wrong and that I should be a female instead of the male body I was born to. I described some of the aspects of what it was like growing up a transgender. This will give details of how I didn't grow up because something is wrong.

I am 32 years old and still feel like I am stuck somewhere between 11 and 14. A lot of my actions and decision making are that of a pre-teen or teenage girl. This is also the same for clothing choices and style. A lot of the things that I have as interests and things that make me happy are things geared at pre-teen and teen girls.

I must mention that I can't say it is fully by choice that I am this way. Things repeat themselves no matter how much I avoid them. I have been back and forth with trying to "grow up" and trying to enjoy what does make me happy. Embarrassment set in several times and I would throw things away, stop watching things I like, stop listening to music, etc. only for it to keep putting itself back on my path.

I wasn't able to express myself in the same way a young girl should. I didn't get to go to girl scouts, dance classes, do gymnastics, twirling, cheer-leading or even learn how to do make-up, nails and hair. I didn't care about being prom queen or head cheer-leader. I just wanted to be able to participate. With everything put together that I couldn't do, my mind is stuck and I still strive to be able to do them. My mind still tries to be the little girl I wasn't able to be.

I have a huge dilemma when shopping for clothing. I do not like the style of adults. I like clothing that expresses my interests such as my favorite characters, colorful designs, frilly clothes and clothes that say I am still innocent. I do fit comfortably in clothes made for kids as young as age 8. I found out the hard way, which kinds work in what sizes, such as underwear in size 8, pants in size 10 and shirts in size 14/16. When I wear size 14/16 shirts, which is most of my shirts, it still feels wrong as if I am trying to be like my older sister. A lot of my adult clothes are that of a slutty nature like a teenage girl trying to appear older and attract boys so I can calm my new raging hormones.

When it comes to work and career, I don't want to even think of it. Yes, I have already worked a lot as an adult and even dropped out of college (twice). I feel more like the twelve or thirteen year old girl who does babysit and does her chores while being more focused on being a kid, having fun with friends, doing slumber parties and gossiping. At the same time, I feel like that girl who has already had a kid at a young age, still living at home, not able to focus on school as much I should and sheltered from friends because I have a kid and don't get to go out.

I would love to talk about the music, shows and movies I like. I could go on for hours. I don't feel it is that important for me to go into details. I, honestly, don't even know what else to talk about without being boring. I could give examples of how some things repeat in cycles, very distinct cycles, in my mind and even become physical. I have tried to control it but that as it turns out, I am not supposed to. I am supposed to embrace it.

I do have to say that if I was allowed to be a girl while I was growing up, I wouldn't have a lot of the problems I do now. I may not have turned out to be rich, but I would at least have had a chance for a career in something I love and I wouldn't be stuck in the mindset of a child. I don't mind being stuck at all except the fact that the bills don't get paid and things don't get done because I am 32 and am expected to do this stuff already. I need a stable life but am too young to get it that way. Maybe I will grow up after I am fully a female after the operation.

Growing Up Transgender

I figured it would be a good idea to touch base with me being a trans-woman. I want other people to understand it a little more even if they aren't going for or questioning a gender transition. I believe it is important to understand things before placing a judgement and this is one of the topics that are judged before it is understood.

First, I must mention that I had a feeling something wasn't right when I was only seven years old. At this point, I already had a lot going on with my life. I was already involved in choosing to do things of a sexual nature that most children don't know about. I was, of course, taught these things by an adult within the family. I had viewed porn, developed fetishes, already been ejaculating and done things with friends.

Now, let's not get confused about a very important detail. I did not mention that I was sexually abused or sexually active to give a reason for my gender change. That all had nothing to do with it, except to point out that even at the age of 7, I knew about genders, sex and relationships. I will talk about my sexual interests and my abuse more at a later time. Please remember that gender and sex are two different things. The difference is who I am and I who I like.

Some people may think that I felt something was wrong because I was molested by a male and therefore I feel that I should be a female. This is wrong and if that was the fact, I, just as equally, could have just chosen to be gay. When I was young, I was fond of the female body, not just for the arousal. There was something about it that felt right. I grew found of the clothing and began wearing my sister's eventually leading me to other things like makeup, the interest in dance, gymnastics, cheer-leading and other activities that are considered for girls only. I always played with girls toys and didn't really like trucks and cars, army men, etc. I got along better with my sister than I did my brother. I had girls for friends inside and outside of school. I played jump rope, hopscotch, house and other things the boys wouldn't do. I had a few friends that were boys growing up but never more than one or two at a time.

Growing up, I got picked on for playing with the girls and not the boys. I didn't have an interest in sports, cars, weight lifting, etc. I wanted it to end. I had to make up my mind and either tell my parents or pretend to be a boy. My parents were the type to believe it isn't right and I feared being put up for adoption. I guessed it would be better to fit in with with the boys so I kept my secret and tried sports and doing all the guy stuff. My heart still wasn't into it so I never got good. I still had a hard time fitting in.

During all of the trying to act like a boy, I was still dressing in girls clothes, playing with girls toys and retaining strong bonds with girls. I still wished I could open up to my family and be allowed to be a girl. It caused me so much frustration. By age eleven, I had already been smoking, drinking, smoking pot, having sex with multiples of people (both gender and age wasn't a barrier) sometimes pushing too far by forcing myself on people, stealing, fighting with my mom all the time, destroying things, lighting fires and didn't care about school. This all started by the time I was eight years old.

I had tried to stab my grandfather with a butcher knife to make it all go away since he was the one who molested and raped me and was also doing it to other people. He promised he would stop doing it to my sister and I caught him so this is my opportunity to go forth on my plan to stab him. I had first tried to kill myself when I was nine years old and several times more by the time I was eleven. When I was twelve, I was put on probation and later locked up at thirteen. Now, I was stuck with all boys. I had

gotten into drugs like cocaine, snorting pills, LSD and more. I will talk more about the drugs and getting locked up at another time. After I was released from lock up, I was still going to school there. I was able to wear bras and panties to school even though I feared getting caught since it was an all boys school.

Nothing I did hid my true feelings nor did it take it away. I was wearing girls clothes more and more when I was in public, just not noticeable. I got myself into more trouble and was sent to live with my ex-step dad. Everything was different since I lived in the country and didn't have access to girls clothing. After a while, things started to get a little better in several directions of my life and was able to put aside my desire to be a female. Certain circumstances brought it back from time to time. I would steal panties and bras and other clothes I could from friends houses', stores, places I babysat, etc. This was different though because I would wear them for awhile and start to feel guilt, later getting rid of what I had. It just kept repeating itself.

Eventually, I had gotten myself into more trouble and had a few years away from normal life. I had the interest still there but not the capacity. I had gotten into more trouble several times throughout the next few years. When I was twenty-three, I was released from prison and was placed into a temporary living placement near a consignment shop where donations were dropped off behind the building. I rummaged for things and found a huge amount of woman's clothes. I started hiding in my room more after work so no one would find out. I ended up getting my own apartment and continued doing what I wanted. I even shared my interest of cross-dressing with other people. I explored more with the idea of being with just guys. This was partly due to the fact that I had on several occasions had a problem with having sex. It didn't feel right being the one with the penis. As I found out, I am not really interested in penis' being used on me either.

I had began working for a donation center and had access to everything imaginable. I got free clothes of all kinds, hygiene, makeup, shoes, jewelry, household items that are considered girly, etc. I eventually had to hide my interest again and live in shame and guilt. All of this back and forth was driving me crazy. I couldn't live with having to throw everything away all the time just to start over again. I had a hard break up with someone I have a child with. I slipped back into my ways for awhile again, later having to put it aside.

At age twenty-nine, I was taking care of my sick father, his house, my daughter and trying to maintain my life. I had started an online business and decided to branch off into more than just one kind of product. Instead of just selling trading cards and toys, I started selling girls clothes, panties and lingerie. You may have guessed, why this was a top pick for me. Well, after he passed, I got my own place with the money he had left us. I expanded my inventory greatly and expanded my wardrobe eventually pushing all of my guys clothes out of both dressers and the closet. I had dressed in woman's clothes every chance I got without anyone noticing. Eventually, I almost got caught so many times that I decided it was time to put some serious thought into this.

I did more research about it from a psychological point, medical point, other people's experiences, etc. I talked with someone who went through with it. I practiced going out to the backyard and to the store with girls clothes on, at first hidden than revealed. I talked to some people from outside of my area and eventually opened up to my family and what friends I had left and started changing everything on the internet to reflect my now known identity. I grant that Jenn isn't my legal name yet since I am still pre-op but I prefer people to use it and get used to it.

This may not have detailed every thing that someone would look for in trying to understand why a person comes to getting a gender change operation. I didn't intend it to give every detail. I hope that you got to see a little bit about it from how it can affect someone negatively. I did mention the guilt, shame, hiding and the constant return of the thoughts and actions. The effects of living in secret, not being able to be myself and having to fit in have caused a downward spiral. I haven't forced myself on anyone for a long time and I don't even have the interest in sex most times. I no longer commit crimes nor do I do drugs. In general, a lot of things have gotten better for me once I was able to start being honest with everyone. Yes, I still have things to work on and some things are best left unsaid.

If I was able to open up at a young age, I believe that my life would have had a better start. I do realize that some things would not have happened and some things that I do cherish wouldn't exist. As you can see, some people go through hell because they aren't able to open up and it just causes disaster. It didn't just cause me problem. My family was affected negatively throughout the years as was some of my friends. I did some negative things due to my being molested, being confused, young, lost, stressed out and hurting hoping it would make the pain go away. I do not excuse these things. I do believe that if I was able to express myself as a girl growing up, I wouldn't have done these things. Even to the day, the things I have done in the past are affecting me psychologically, medically, in friendships, in trying to get a job and even how I raise my daughter.

All the hatred that is shown to gay, bi-sexual, trans-gender, etc needs to stop. Something I had trouble with growing up is being told to be myself and yet having to hide parts of who I am. Think about it; my parents would tell me in one conversation to be myself and yet in another conversation would say that having a gender operation is wrong. Honestly, I wish I had the courage to open up as a child regardless of the consequences because, as I have learned, it is better to be lose other people than it is to lose yourself. All my life, I lived to make other people happy. Now that I decide to do something for myself it is too hard because of the problems that were caused. Yes, I do blame my parents in a large part for not being open when it comes to my problems. Nobody at the age of seven should have to choose being honest or be able to see their family. I also blame society itself for not being more open in a so-called free nation.

Intro Blog

Okay, so I have blogged for business purposes before. I have done blogs on specific sites for temporary times. I am looking for a fresh start. I want to do this for personal and I hope to keep up with it for a long time. I really don't know where to start. I have a lot to say, yet, I don't know how to express it all. Maybe some day I will also include old blogs.

I figure I would start this with this first entry to give everyone an idea of who I am. I will go into more details with additional blog entries.

Name: Jenn or Jennifer; not Jen, Jenny or Jenna

Age: A Lady never tells, I am not a lady so 32

Gender: Normally, it would be obvious; however, I was born a male. I prefer being called female. I am pre-op so you can say I am a hybrid if it makes you feel better but a male with boobs is called transgender or transwoman, just so you know.

Sexual Interests: I still lean towards women, though, I have to say I question being with a guy. That may change later. I do have fetishes and hidden secrets, just like everyone else.

Religion/Spiritual Beliefs: Non-Denominational; Honestly, I am teetering here because I find truths in so many different areas and am being reawakened to things I once saw and turned my back on.

Politics: A tough discussion. I am against the politics of today though I do know there has to be some governing body.

Marital Status: Single and not sure if I like it or not

Race: Human, not Caucasian

Ethnic Background: German (originally, Hebrew), Irish, English, Welsh

Pigment of Skin: Who the hell cares but stop saying I am white

Children: Yes, 1 at home

Career: Stay at home parent though I have several past experiences

Criminal History: Yes, though I don’t feel like mentioned it all yet.

Height: 5’7” 

Weight: 155 lbs

Body type: Average; not skinny, not overweight but I do have some fat so deal with it

Hair color: Dirty Blonde, looks brown

Hair style: Straight about shoulder length

Eye Color: Blue

Glasses: Yes      

Tattoos: 3, will get more

Piercings: 3, will get more

Smoker: Regular to Heavy

Drinker: Social/Moderate

Drugs: No, they are in my past, though some consider marijuana a drug

Style/Personality: My own, a little of different things

Stores I like: Wet Seal, Aeropostale, Hot Topic, Spencers              

Movies: Anything that catches my eyes; really, I like a lot from different categories

TV Shows: Anything that catches my eyes; really, I like a lot from different categories

Music: Anything that catches my ears; really, I like a lot from different categories

Sports: I have my favorite teams but don’t follow sports              

Romantic Activities: An area that I lost touch with

Activities and Interests: Shopping, Hair, Nails, Makeup, Dress-up, Making money, Magic the Gathering, Video Games, Computers, Board and Card Games, Collecting, Learning

Goals: Surgery, Financial Stability, Residential Stability, get my other children among other personal goals that don’t matter unless I can obtain financial and residential stability