Fetlife Journals 4 - On the note of Money Again

I know I write a lot about money but that is what makes the world go round. Some of this may even be repeats but it is what is on my mind. I have had many employment experiences including self-employment. I did like working at many of these places. At some of them, I didn’t like all of my co-workers and some I didn’t like the circumstances of my life outside of work. These issues did play a part in whether or not I kept some of these jobs. I lost some of my jobs due to health issues, psychological issues or being locked up. Trying to explain these to a potential employer is difficult. Sadly, my inner dark side has taken over during times of being interviewed and I laughed when asked what crimes I have committed as if I miss the crime life. When being asked about gaps in my employment, I have had to explain that I tried my own businesses. To explain that I tried with very little money and no solid grounds does not show the employers that I am a serious individual. Trying to lie about things pertaining to my health or mental state is very hard. I was taught not to lie. Sadly, it is necessary to do in order to have a chance at getting hired. I will be honest that crime life was the best job I have ever had. Yes, I obviously made mistakes and got caught. When I wasn’t getting caught, I made money. Is it really the crime itself that I miss? No, it is not the crime, rather, the freedom and actually being able to say my bills are paid. Knowing that I had money left over to buy new clothes, go bowling, shopping, watch movies, etc and not have to worry about my bills overlapping was the big reward. Would I go back to crime now just to get ahead? No, I wouldn’t however I have thought about it from time to time. I can walk into a smaller store and have it planned out in my head within 1-3 minutes. I would know where the cameras are, how many workers and how long it takes me to get from the door to the safe. My mind does this automatically, especially when I go out and I know I need money. My mind is a pirate and it wants to take whatever it can and never give back. When asked, not just by potential employers, what I want to do with my life and what goals I have, I stumble on my words and truth. I do have interests such as making music, building computers, building playable magic the gathering decks, selling sex toys and lingerie, being a stripper, being a porn star and a few others. However, it takes money to be successful in either of these. Some of these I can do without actually having my gender reassignment. The thing that is keeping from being more successful, which has always been my problem, is money. I don’t have it, can’t get enough of it and am slowly giving up hope. It would be a little easier on me if I would have the same help other people get. Child support would be another helpful source of income. Realistically I have to look at the fact that my goals are not important and I have to join the re-ranks of the “normal person” despite my setbacks. I have to ignore everything that is wrong with me and lie to companies in hopes that I can get money. Money is the root to my stress. If I didn’t need it then I could do more things I enjoy and stop pushing my daughter away while I try to make money. I have lost valuable time with her and my recently deceased father because I am forced to make money. If I had my choice, I would able to get my operation and other related surgeries, work as a porn star and stripper while being able to enjoy life more. I love playing video games, spending time with my daughter and getting out to do stuff. The catch 22 is that I can’t make money until I have my operation but I can’t get the operation until I have money. What I am doing now is not working. Everything I tried has failed. Having an actual job is a risk to my health and other people’s safety. My problems with employment started before I came out about going for my gender reassignment. They will continue after I have the operation. I will not be able to get a license. I will not be able to wipe my criminal record. I will not be able to fill in gaps between employments. If we actually break down all the possible jobs and take away the ones we know that I cannot have, there isn’t any left. Since, I cannot make money and no agencies are willing to pay my bills, I don’t get child support or get on disability, someone has to wonder what I am going to do to support myself. What is going to happen when I lose my apartment and have nowhere to go or a way to safe my belongings? Why wait until then to help me? Why not help me before things get that bad? I am not lazy. I am not worthless. I am disabled. I am unable to work. I have no choices or chances. I am helpless. I am tired of trying. I am tired of asking for help. I am tired of begging. Since I can’t be responsible, can’t get help and will be stuck on the streets without a chance to be responsible or lazy, I would rather be dead.