Fetlife Journals 3 - Transgender Life Isn't Easy

I knew since I was seven years old that something wasn't right. I experimented throughout 24 years off and on with different things. I couldn't really get a solid basis to everything because of having to constantly hide. I still don’t have a solid basis to many aspects. I finally came out to everyone in February of 2014. It wasn't that long ago. In some ways, I am happier and in other ways, not so much. Let me go into depth of some of things that I have gone through so far. Coming out to the public is a task all by itself. It really takes a lot of courage, strength, confidence and being prepared. I practiced a lot and still wasn't able to tell everyone easily. Nothing prepared me for telling my mother. This was one of the worst parts of my coming out so far. I had feared losing what few people I have left in my life. I almost did lose my mother and I can say that I have lost my best friend. I know that old friends and even family talk about me and disrespect me. Some of them do it more than usual anyway. Things just aren't the same anymore. Some things get better such as a person’s mood, generally. However, there is still a lot of depression, shame, guilt, fear and hiding. Six months have gone by and I still have a problem with functioning and going out. I also don’t have much social interaction. I didn't have much for awhile now as it was due to a cut back on how many friends I had and how much work I have to do just pay bills and rent. Now, I hide more and make less effort to be social. I have less to talk about with people now because everything I pretended to be is gone. I don’t know where to turn to for becoming a better person or regaining social interaction. I have a lack of trust, fear and depression. The stress of life itself keeps me down in the dumps. I had thought that certain things, such as my business, would get better. I was wrong. I actually do a lot less and can’t handle as much of the stress as I used to. I tried really hard to get back in the swing of things with my business so that I have the capacity to stretch out and yet nothing seems to help. I have even tried to wear certain outfits to try to set the mood and I still can’t work like I used to. I know trying to get a real job is hard these days. It is harder for me because of several reasons; criminal record, mental disorders, medical disabilities and now the fact that most places will turn me down for a job because I am a male with breasts. Relationships are something that I still strive for. The problem is that it is hard to find someone who will accept me for who I am. Who I am becoming on the outside is who I feel like on the inside. People don’t understand that unless they are the ones going through it. I am also a very picky person. I am not going to accept just anyone. I want someone who is able to get me going in the morning and say let’s conquer the day, not someone who is just worried about sex. Some people seem to have a tendency to think that now that they are in the alternative lifestyle, it’s all about sex. Sorry, life has much more to it. With the stress of not being able to pay bills or have a way to make more money comes the fear of being homeless. This is a rightful fear for someone who has sole custody of a child. Even though I have sole custody and have legitimate disabilities, I do not get the same treatment as everyone else. I have tried to get rental assistance, child support, social security, etc. Being a transgender has not been a factor of me not getting this help because these agencies don’t know about it. I can just imagine how much faster they will push me away if they are to find out. Even knowing how much I am sure that I have made the right decision, I still have my doubts. The doubts are mostly from the fact that I already have such a hard time with life why would I want to add being a transgender to the mix and get rejected more. Being open with everyone and being full force on the fact that I am going for the full operation has actually pushed me backwards not helped me go forward. I need stability. Without the stability, I will never be able to afford the operation. This makes me more depressed and pushes me away from everything and everyone even more. I hide from the world and cry. I hope it all ends soon and that I will wake up one day and am a successful woman who still has at least some of life left including family and friends. I have struggled so much with my depression and the fact that I feel like I will never actually get to experience life as a woman. I mean fully a woman, where no one knows the different at first glance. The fact that I don’t have money or a way to get more money so I can at least have one day of happiness and without worrying what I will do to pay my bills means that I also will not have the money for the operation. Knowing this does not help my mood. My depression gets so high that every day I think that it isn’t worth living. I want to live for my daughter. I fear that if I am not here for her she won’t become someone important, strong and stay smart. I ask myself if it is worth staying alive just to take a chance that one day, I will be happy. Eventually, things will get so bad that I won’t be able to be there for my daughter and what I fear will happen whether or not I am alive. So, if I am supposed to take care of myself first in order to take care of her, I am screwed and believe it is better to just end life now. This is a brief summary of some of the struggles a transgender goes through. I could go into more depth. However, I would rather save some for other entries and make them more topic-based so I can talk more in depth about each issue. I hope that I at least enlightened people about what it is like to be on this side of the fence. Let me leave you by reminding you that pointing, staring or laughing does not help someone who is going through the emotional imbalances as they transition. Please be tolerant of other people no matter what they are going through. They are tolerant of what you are going through and don’t say hurtful things to you because you fit society’s normal class of people Transgender people have stepped outside the box to go through the struggles of being who they really are instead of lying to themselves and society just to fit in.