Going over the deep end

So, I said I wanted to keep up with this blog and I did intend to. However, there are so many topics I wanted to discuss that I became overwhelmed trying to figure out which to do next. I also got really depressed trying to type some of them up.

I have been resisting the urge to either blow up, run away or just kill myself and get it over with. If I blow up, I would have to escape anyway. I don't want to burn bridges and I do care about the very people I need to snap on. What sucks about it the most is that I was always told to speak my mind and yet I would be in the wrong if I do. However, if I don't say anything, it doesn't solve the problem and it is making me worse from holding it in. Add this build up to everything else that is going wrong with my life and it just gets worse for me, leading to more suicidal thoughts.

I am not perfect but I do see things that need to be pointed out to other people. I do have my flaws and when they are presented to me I listen. I do explain the things I cannot change and yet these words mean nothing. Closed minded people cannot be talked about my problems or their own. It is their way or no way.

One thing that did push me to finally try to get things out is an incident with my mom. My daughter is four years old and makes mistakes, yet my mom expects her to follow all rules to a "T". On the other side of the coin, my eighteen year old brother is not forced to be responsible and doesn't even know simple things like cleaning up after himself. This is something my daughter does. Yet, I cannot say anything or compare the two because my mom is perfect. She believe she knows how to raise proper kids. She pushed us older kids to the point that we become rebels than she flips it and doesn't be strict with the younger ones to the point they would be seen as useless to the outside world.

My sister is lazy and admits it. Her, along with one of my other sisters, abuse the welfare system. This very same system I need help from and can't get help from. Yet, I worked myself to the point that my body can't handle it anymore. I am 32 and declared disabled by 3 doctors. Yet, I get jack shit to help me. I am homeless with a child and cannot get housing yet my sister has it and violates the rules all the time without trying to do something better for herself.

I don't know what to do. All I think about is fuck life. I am closer to popping these pills and ending it all. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. At this point in my life, I only have one person to think of and I am going to lose her without a way to get her back, my daughter. So, really, I have no reason to live as it is.