January 10, 2016 was a really bad day for me. Those of you who know me are saying that I should have had a good day because you know that was my birthday. Well, no one woud have a good day if they had to go through what I did. I was told my daughter said things she shouldn't have. She feels things she shouldn't have to. Now, I was accused of telling her to act out and, of course, people believe that I did tell her this.
That wasn't the worst of it. My mother decided this was the day she would finally kick me out of her house. Not on a 1-on-1 basis and on my fucking birthday. Normally, I don't give a shit about my birthday. This birthday, I was happy because my life was starting to get better and I was close to moving up the ladder in life. I was only about 2-3 months away from getting my daughter back. By the way, I am writing this almost 3 months after my birthday and I don't have my daughter back yet.
I was so close to signing a lease that would be approved by the agency who was going to help me with the 1st months rent. I had most of the security deposit and would have had the rest the following friday, 5 days away. From there, I would have been able to close down my storages and I wouldn't be paying for bus passes. I would have been close to parks a daycare, elementary school, shopping, laundry, etc.
Because I am paying for a room, bus passes, storage and not getting help from welfare I have too hard a time putting money away. My taxes didn't really work out much to help. At work, hours have been cut down and I have gotten sick several times. The best help I have been offered was a rent free apartment for 30 days. I would not be able to save enough with only 30 days and there was no backup plan offered I couldn't find somewhere to go after the 30 days. Even the best of everything isn't enough.
I mentioned my daughter acting up. Well, it is still going on. She keeps doing something different and saying that I told her to or taught her the behavior. I am sickened by the things she is learning because it is things that I tried my hardest to keep her from learning. I look like a piece of shit yet again. I don't know how to solve the problem and when child protective services use it against me, I don't know how to rebuttal. Every time I try to rebuttal, it just give more fuel for them to throw in the fire.
Some of my friends moved further away. I can't even do a transgender therapy since the only group in the area would cause to have to walk a long way at night. I would be in this group if I would have been able to get the apartment I mentioned before. Regualr therapy is a joke. Or is it that I haven't been talking about the right things? It is really hard to go to my family right now for things I have to talk about and a lot of it, they either won't understand or don't need to know.
I guess that is the basic jist of my life at this point. I don't really have a game plan. The only things I know are: I need a better job, I need to be able to coordiate it so I can get my daughter to daycare and get to work on time from whereever I end up living, I need to get into a group where I can talk, I need a few more solid friends that I can go to, I need to find a way to bond better with my family and I need to get my daughter back.
On a side note, I need to figure myself out better. I am not sure what i want in a mate. I am not even 100% sure of my personality or wardrobe styles. I am lost spiritually, partially because I am just getting back into the belief I think is right for me. I have no routine and I can be called a slacker in many ways. I have so much that needs to be figured out that I don't know where to start.
I may add more to this. At this point, I may have already said too much. I leave you now with hopes your life is better than mine.
