Update 5-12-2018

I haven't posted in a while. I feel it is time. I'm not sure where my life is taking me. I am content where i am because I know it is the best I can do right now. I am going something will change and my life will get better. I am working, i have a roof over my head, I have food, I know some cool people, among other things. I am not doing bad. I do wish I had more though. Time. Effort. Aggressiveness. Yes, TEA.

An UPdate on my iife.

It has been awhile since I updated. I know I wanted to be on more and I am sorry. I have been without wi-fi and my life has been spun out of control. I will describe some of the things I went through recently.

January 10, 2016 was a really bad day for me. Those of you who know me are saying that I should have had a good day because you know that was my birthday. Well, no one woud have a good day if they had to go through what I did. I was told my daughter said things she shouldn't have. She feels things she shouldn't have to. Now, I was accused of telling her to act out and, of course, people believe that I did tell her this.

That wasn't the worst of it. My mother decided this was the day she would finally kick me out of her house. Not on a 1-on-1 basis and on my fucking birthday. Normally, I don't give a shit about my birthday. This birthday, I was happy because my life was starting to get better and I was close to moving up the ladder in life. I was only about 2-3 months away from getting my daughter back. By the way, I am writing this almost 3 months after my birthday and I don't have my daughter back yet.

I was so close to signing a lease that would be approved by the agency who was going to help me with the 1st months rent. I had most of the security deposit and would have had the rest the following friday, 5 days away. From there, I would have been able to close down my storages and I wouldn't be paying for bus passes. I would have been close to parks a daycare, elementary school, shopping, laundry, etc.

Because I am paying for a room, bus passes, storage and not getting help from welfare I have too hard a time putting money away. My taxes didn't really work out much to help. At work, hours have been cut down and I have gotten sick several times. The best help I have been offered was a rent free apartment for 30 days. I would not be able to save enough with only 30 days and there was no backup plan offered I couldn't find somewhere to go after the 30 days. Even the best of everything isn't enough.

I mentioned my daughter acting up. Well, it is still going on. She keeps doing something different and saying that I told her to or taught her the behavior. I am sickened by the things she is learning because it is things that I tried my hardest to keep her from learning. I look like a piece of shit yet again. I don't know how to solve the problem and when child protective services use it against me, I don't know how to rebuttal. Every time I try to rebuttal, it just give more fuel for them to throw in the fire.

Some of my friends moved further away. I can't even do a transgender therapy since the only group in the area would cause to have to walk a long way at night. I would be in this group if I would have been able to get the apartment I mentioned before. Regualr therapy is a joke. Or is it that I haven't been talking about the right things? It is really hard to go to my family right now for things I have to talk about and a lot of it, they either won't understand or don't need to know.

I guess that is the basic jist of my life at this point. I don't really have a game plan. The only things I know are: I need a better job, I need to be able to coordiate it so I can get my daughter to daycare and get to work on time from whereever I end up living, I need to get into a group where I can talk, I need a few more solid friends that I can go to, I need to find a way to bond better with my family and I need to get my daughter back.

On a side note, I need to figure myself out better. I am not sure what i want in a mate. I am not even 100% sure of my personality or wardrobe styles. I am lost spiritually, partially because I am just getting back into the belief I think is right for me. I have no routine and I can be called a slacker in many ways. I have so much that needs to be figured out that I don't know where to start.

I may add more to this. At this point, I may have already said too much. I leave you now with hopes your life is better than mine.

Still Fucking Lost

I really want to get somewhere in life. I am tired of spinning my wheels yet unable to move. I understand that nothing big will happen over night. However, it seems like nothing is happening at all even though there are small things being done.

Looking for a job isn't going so well. I know that any job I may get, will only be until I can get something better. Ultimately, I want to get myself back to running a business. I don't want to speak too much on what I want to do. The reason is that I have a lot of ideas and not really sure which one I should follow up on.

I should definitely go back to school eventually. The thing that sucks about that is, going to school doesn't pay the bills.

I need to figure something out soon. The worst part of it all is not knowing where to look for answers.

Going over the deep end

So, I said I wanted to keep up with this blog and I did intend to. However, there are so many topics I wanted to discuss that I became overwhelmed trying to figure out which to do next. I also got really depressed trying to type some of them up.

I have been resisting the urge to either blow up, run away or just kill myself and get it over with. If I blow up, I would have to escape anyway. I don't want to burn bridges and I do care about the very people I need to snap on. What sucks about it the most is that I was always told to speak my mind and yet I would be in the wrong if I do. However, if I don't say anything, it doesn't solve the problem and it is making me worse from holding it in. Add this build up to everything else that is going wrong with my life and it just gets worse for me, leading to more suicidal thoughts.

I am not perfect but I do see things that need to be pointed out to other people. I do have my flaws and when they are presented to me I listen. I do explain the things I cannot change and yet these words mean nothing. Closed minded people cannot be talked about my problems or their own. It is their way or no way.

One thing that did push me to finally try to get things out is an incident with my mom. My daughter is four years old and makes mistakes, yet my mom expects her to follow all rules to a "T". On the other side of the coin, my eighteen year old brother is not forced to be responsible and doesn't even know simple things like cleaning up after himself. This is something my daughter does. Yet, I cannot say anything or compare the two because my mom is perfect. She believe she knows how to raise proper kids. She pushed us older kids to the point that we become rebels than she flips it and doesn't be strict with the younger ones to the point they would be seen as useless to the outside world.

My sister is lazy and admits it. Her, along with one of my other sisters, abuse the welfare system. This very same system I need help from and can't get help from. Yet, I worked myself to the point that my body can't handle it anymore. I am 32 and declared disabled by 3 doctors. Yet, I get jack shit to help me. I am homeless with a child and cannot get housing yet my sister has it and violates the rules all the time without trying to do something better for herself.

I don't know what to do. All I think about is fuck life. I am closer to popping these pills and ending it all. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. At this point in my life, I only have one person to think of and I am going to lose her without a way to get her back, my daughter. So, really, I have no reason to live as it is.

The Bible and Gays and Transgenders (LGBT)

This may cause uproar for a lot of people. Why? They will realize they don’t know as much as they think and the ones that taught them are as equally misinformed. Everyone says read the Bible and you will find the answers. I am also told the Old Testament is obsolete as far as our guide to life. So here it is, me doing exactly what you said and ignoring the Old Testament. I was misguided at one point and thought it was wrong. 

     First thing is first. Jesus would never abandon or persecute us. He went to the sinner, not push them away. This is something that anyone who reads the Bible should know. If you don’t know that, you need to read the Bible again. I will not quote any scriptures about this, you should already know this.

In the ancient world, including ancient Jewish culture (as reflected in the Talmud), “natural” or “born” eunuchs were not associated with missing testicles. Rather, they were associated with stereotypical effeminate characteristics and behavior (just like modern gay men), and were thought by Rabbi Eliezer to be subject to “cure” (just like modern gays). Moreover, as we have also seen, eunuchs were commonly associated with homosexual desire. (For a complete discussion of the term "born eunuch" and the connection with homosexuality, see The Early Church Welcomed a Gay Man.) As a reasonably informed person of his time, Jesus would have been aware of this common view of eunuchs. Yet he very matter-of-factly asserts that some people are simply born that way. The implication of his statement is profound — God created gay people the way they are! Jesus says so. 
(http://www.wouldjesusdiscriminate.org/biblical_evidence/born_gay.html)
Jesus never said anything against being gay, transgender, etc. Instead, it has been found in the Bible that Jesus was around it and approved it. 

Matthew 8:5-13 and Luke 7:1-10 tell us about how a male servant to a male master was sick. He didn't feel worthy of Jesus’ presence. Jesus healed him knowing the servant and master had relations.                                  

Matthew 19:12 says, “For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.” (Eunuch is a man who has been castrated.)

“When David had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was bound to the soul of David, and Jonathan lo his father’s house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as hived him as his own soul. Saul took him that day and would not let him return to s own soul. Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that he was wearing, and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.”  (1 Samuel 18:1-4)

You don’t have to argue anymore. You can all stop it. Your opinion is wrong and how you were raised is due to misunderstanding. You can let God judge if Jesus was wrong or right but I will follow this because it is in the Bible and Bible is Truth.

Postal Code Serparations

Originally Posted on Facebook; Jan 24th, 2014

You Know if this country was run better an example address would look like this

Jane Doe
123 That Street 
18507

Why do I say that? Postal workers and other delivery personnel are the only ones who need to have zones like cities and states.. that is all they should be Zones, we don't need to be reminded that this is a divided country. Too many people have no fucking balls to fix so stop reminding the rest of us and end the separation.

We are 1 Country only if stand together as a country. We have been standing together as cities, counties and states. We have all learned that we do not need this many politicians fucking everything up. If we had 1 Government that was honestly voted in and works to create jobs, lower risk of buying products that have unsafe effects, etc. this country would be less confused and be able understand truth. I'm not saying get rid of cops and fire departments. These branches of employment are very needed. I digress.

We are not prisoners and I do not live in a cell block. Stop the Separation! I am not merchandise on a shelf. Stop the Separation! I am a human being created by God, just like the rest of you. Stop the Separation! I do not want to feel that I am confined to some borderlines and have to learn new laws every hundred miles. Stop the Separation! Stop all this white, black, straight, gay, muslim, catholic, democrat, republican, tall, short, pretty, ugly, fat, skinny, male, female, short dick or otherwise. Just stop it all! Stop. Stop. Stop. Don't even mention it. Don't even think it. No more! Stop the Separation!

Stop the Segregation to Stop the Separation!

My Life is a Fail

I have lots of issues that prevent me from working:

• Medical problems
• Mental problems
• Criminal record
• Can't drive and lack of transportation
• Daughter in daycare is a bad idea (long story) and no one to babysit
• Long gaps in work history
• Terrible work history

Even if I wanted a job and qualified, I still get denied for the above reasons. Even temporary employment agencies deny me.

School is not an option; been there, done that, didn't finish, owe debts and can't get loans to go back. I wouldn't even know what to go for if I did.

Obtaining help has been a problem:

• I always get reported to Children and Youth Services.
• I get denied for criminal record.
• I get denied for lack of income.
• I get denied for lack of severity, even though I tried as I am homeless with a child.
• I am always told there isn't help available even though people with less severe cases get approved.
• I get denied for being a male as well as transgender.

I don't have a normal income

• I already mention jobs.
• I do not get child support.
• I do not get Social Security.
• I have never qualified for unemployment.

Other notes:

• I have bad luck selling things locally.
• I had an internet business for 2 1/2 years and failed.
• I tried making music.
• Catalog and party options don't work since I don't know enough people.
• I don't have start up funds for any selling options, even if I was good at it.
• I don't have any other talents worth trying to make money from.
• I never find any of the survey sites or ad posting sites that actually pay and if I do, would have to pay them to start up.
• Cash paid seasonal jobs like shoveling, raking, etc are not an option.
• I tried funding sites too and that never worked.

Consequences to not solving this:

• I have to have money to support my daughter. This has also been an obstacle in obtaining custody of my other children. I could lose custody of my daughter.
• I need money to get my own place and obtain the privacy and freedom I need. Without privacy and freedom, I suffer mentally every day.
• If I don't get a place to live or money soon, I will lose my stuff in storage.
• Since I don't have a place of my own, I can't work on the ideas for things that are cluttering my mind. Some of which could provide ways for me to make money. I also can't work on them until I have peace of mind that I am not going to end up homeless. Working on these ideas is a full time thing.
• I will never get my surgery if I can't get money.

The only true solutions I have come up with are:

1. Crime
2. Social Security
3. Finding a mate who has money

The problem is that neither of these work.

I keep getting told to keep trying and something will happen. I can't keep trying. I have no options left. If I keep trying the same things over and over, I still won't get anywhere. There is absolutely no point in trying. I don't know where to go or who to turn to. Even if I didn't have custody, I would still face the problem of not being able to take care of myself.

I am suicidal because I can't live, not because I refuse to.